No one hears or sees me. I am often that stranger in the room, even among friends and family. When I speak, people pretend to listen and respond as if I talk about another language. I feel it’s my job to fit in, which means I must adjust my behavior and act like others. I am a person who is never understood and seen as crazy while becoming an outcast.
To feel whole again is my purpose, but that can only happen by being someone else who’s imprisoned within his mind. To suffer quietly but courageously, I hide at every opportunity. I make excuses for not wanting to belong and just wanting to be alone. Through all of what I just shared, it’s impossible to live in both worlds of exclusion and inclusion. Either I want to be a part, or I want to be an inactive participant in my day-to-day encounters. I can’t have it both ways.
The veteran lives an extremely confusing existence where I have found a place of comfort and misery. I am comfortable being alone and miserable because I’m not this visible, vibrant human being who has a heart and an ability to love deeply and passionately.
For some, their every day is a life sentence as they become judge and jury over what they want vs. what they need because a veteran’s needs are seldom met as they deepen the hole of despair, depression, and anxiety with no escape. Escaping even for a short time is a means of pretending because our thoughts never leave us. We pretend to be that person that never shows up on the right side of what life could be. Why? Because we’re afraid! Afraid to feel human and free from the past we created, we continue to isolate and imprison ourselves. Such a sad state of affairs to live under to realize that nothing will change until I change until we change.
I have recently learned that my requirements to change involve admitting that there is a better life for me. There is the existence of being within myself, providing I can introduce a new belief to replace the old ideas. This difficult task can’t happen overnight, but changing to chip away at old, dated views can occur only as I adopt a new attitude.
This Article was Last Updated On: December 26, 2021
Well stated and written article. Very few understand the duality we veteran’s must persevere from day to day, person to person, and experience to experience. In so much that we often resort to selective isolation as mentioned. The honor, trust, camaraderie and purpose we once embodied during Active Duty is non-existent within this new existence handed to us upon discharge. And even among veteran peers, many perpetrate pretense or are ignorant to this occurrence. I pray daily and often because only GOD can keep and sustain us. HE alone will and has vindicated us. HE is the new belief for old ideas that has always existed. Thanks again for sharing. GOD Bless!
Vince, I appreciate your honesty and ability to humble yourself to the notion of vulnerability. The world climate today is in peril, and people are hurting. But, I like you, choose to stay mentally prepared to do what’s necessary to remain willful. Thanks for your comment because you have much to share.