“I often lied and said I was busy, but not in a way most people understand. For clarity, I was busy taking deeper breaths, silencing irrational thoughts, calming a racing heart, and telling myself I was okay! And for those reflections, I was busy, and I will not apologize for it!”
As I reflected on this quote, I immediately thought about my condition with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.) This idea of being busy came from my desperately trying to remain entirely within myself to get to myself. When people talk about being alive, they talk about doing productive things and feeling the earth under their feet. Still, I learned over time that the active part of my life centered around performing tasks to earn an income to support my family, and that meant nothing unless my head was on straight. My mental health was never ignored, and because the awareness was present, I moved toward finding ways to cope with my mental inconsistencies. Because of my condition, self-doubt played a significant role in my life and forced me to fear any challenge. As I began to get a hold of my emotions, that confidence allowed my natural talents to flourish. I needed to prove that I wasn’t shamefully flawed and just needed to stay inside my head to function as I knew I could as I directed my life’s path to success. I had to quiet my demons to bring positive thoughts into my head for me to act differently because you are what you believe, and as you think, you act out! Once you learn to accept what lies ahead, the battle begins in your head and what you decide to tell yourself. Know that words have power and are used for good or bad. Make sure you’re on the side of good; if so, you will prevail.
To be free is to become part of all equal parts. For many, freedom is only a word of lesser meaning and does not change our attitudes, behaviors, or beliefs. The enslaved person within us is like walking on a predestined path as we become the reality of past generations since the imposition of slavery and what we were forced to believe. The proper capture of slavery was the idea of war when classes of people were imprisoned and held hostage for centuries, as the word enslavement was imposed and branded in the minds of everyone. We were taken from our land and stripped of all civility and what made us who we were or would become over time. Taking ownership of our freedom came with a price: the belief taken away by control, persecution, and death. But that was only one side of a story that had dual parts. That other side never taught us how productive or resilient we were. Those creative exploits perpetrated by our oppressors created vast opportunities and wealth for those people. This enslavement enabled these oppressors to utilize our strength and commitment to satisfy their selfish desires. The doubt we inherited about our destiny was enough to control some of the masses, leaving just enough for our enslavers to dominate every cornerstone in the South. This doubt we garnered developed into fear, and it was the fear that enhanced the control. When your doubt finds an unsubstantiated source, it will be up to you to exercise your lift to freedom, but freedom comes at a price. As great as the price tag, the effort to be free required the same attention, so there was no room for fear or doubt.